Monday, February 24, 2003

Tomorrow is the day. I'm tired and nervous, but doing okay.

Monday, February 17, 2003

5:53 am and I haven't been to sleep yet. Still thinking about the exam. Seven days. Seven days and four hours. I'm not freaking out like I was last week, but it's on my mind all the time. I'm wondering if I've done enough, worried that I haven't, hopeful that I have. Very afraid to disappoint everyone. Afraid to go through the experience again without Paula. I just want to know. Want to know now. Not in May. Now. Can't sleep, won't sleep..

Saturday, February 15, 2003

Day five and the fever has finally broken. I had been utterly useless while I was sick. I happened to be sick over my days off, but I didn't get any studying done at all. When it was time to go back to work I had one night off and one night that I left early. It's a damned if you do or don't proposition. I need to work, but I need to be well and I need to study. Prioritizing is difficult.Over the past two days I've studied and written the way I want to, and I'm feeling better about the exam. Rather, I'm feeling better about the idea that the knowledge is in my head and I know more than I think. I feel okay about my abilities and even a little excited about taking it.

Friday, February 14, 2003

For the past three days I've been flat on my back with the flu. Perhaps that's part of the reason I had so much anxiety over the past week. I was pre-flu and didn't know it. The first couple of days were awful. I kept throwing up until I made it to the pharmacy where a nice pharmacist sold me some magic syrup that made it stop right away. I felt like Alice when she found the bottle that said, "drink me". The worst thing was that I threw up on my the Obusoni rug that my mother gave me. I tried to put a solution on the stain and I think it made it worse. Before this episode is up I'll end up having to get it professionally cleaned. For as much as that will cost, I should have just puked on the sofa.

Tuesday, February 11, 2003

Just within the past couple days the pressure has really gotten to me. I think that it started when I realized that the bar exam was going to be exactly two weeks away. That two week marker is today, and I'm not sure how well I'm holding it together. I'm not ready, and I know that I'm not ready. Of course, no one else is ready either, and I know that I'm in a better position than I was last week, last month, last year.... I worry that I can't catch up in my weaker subjects, and maybe that is true. I just have to have confidence that my stronger subjects wil carry them. I'm so worried that I won't make it, and that I'll have squandered this opportunity. It's true that I've studied as hard as I could, but not as hard as I should have been able to. I didn't write every day, and I wanted to. Of course, I still had to work full time and do things like the laundry, but still. I think that if I fail, it's those additional essays that will be the difference between passing and failng.

I'm really worried about money. I took some time off to do the Landmark Forum last month, and this month I'm taking almost two weeks off. I have two choices. I can pay all my bills this month and keep them current, but then I'll have to scramble for rent money as soon as the exam is over. Or, I can let this month's bills go, have the rent money for sure, and scramble to make doulble month's bill next month. Whichever I chose, it will be awful, and I've accepted that. I just wish that the accompanying anxiety would leave. If it keeps building exponentially, then I'll be unable to function at all by the time the exam starts, so I'm confident it will reach some kind of threshold and then dissapate. As for tonight, I said fuck the carbs, and am nursing a glass of congac with my nightly dose of Stargate SG-1.

Monday, February 10, 2003

Kerry has given in and is doing it for me. Yay!
Kerry is trying to teach me how to put in links. It's not going well.
The query for the day is whether you can say that you're not ashamed of your life if seeing someone from your past makes you feel embarassed? Kerry says no. I'm not sure. Mitch came into the restaurant tonight. He is one of two people that I was hoping I would never see there. Someone told me that someone was staring at me and when I looked up, there he was. I had this knot in my stomach right away. Of course, the minute I looked up, he looked away, so maybe there was a knot in his as well. I suppose everyone wants to run into their ex under the best of circumstances, when they look fabulous and have an air of total contentment, and not when they have a towel on their head, asking about the proverbial french fries. I avoided the entire section that he was in until he left. Am I ashamed to be a waitress? I like my job, and I like pursuing my professional goals during the day and then having a moonlighting job at night. I like the restaurant, I like the people I work with, and I like the money. In that instance though when Mitch and I locked eyes though, I was terribly embarassed. Perhaps it's because I would want him to know the whole story, and what I'm really afraid of are the assumptions that he'll make. Then again, why would I be embarassed if he thought I was *just* a waitress? Because I judge myself as a failure or because he does?

Thursday, February 06, 2003

For those of you who were following my previous blog, let me explain. You know, of course, that I am a techno-zero and that html completely elludes me. I made a couple of changes to the template and either it didn't take or I just plain messed it up (probably the latter) because it looks awful. I just chucked it and started over.

For those of you who weren't following my last blog, welcome. I started this after my friend Kerry did it first. She is cool and lovely and fabulous, so course I want to shamelessly copy her. I'm even copying her template! I wanted the last one to look like Jeanette Winterson's, but it just looked odd.

Today I wrote three essays and went out on a date with a guy named Jason. Jason was an all American nice guy. Nice guy. Hell of a nice guy. No chemistry. Absolutely no chemistry. You know how sometimes you go out with someone and whatever *it* is, it isn't there? While you're at dinner you're thinking, maybe it could develop? Then there are other times when you know it just won't. It's too bad. He was taller than me, too.

By the way - I was kind of shying away from my last blog because I felt pressured to be inspired and funny. Now I'm thinking, to hell with that. Any inspirational or humorous blogging is completely unintentional.